Mom Gets Jewelry; Dad Gets Collect Calls

By Kyoko Kuroda

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day seem like they have a lot in common, but the way we celebrate these twin-like holidays is actually a lot different from each other. Nicole Gilbert, a graduate from Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, interviewed 53 couples in 1999 to learn how gender plays out on these holidays and how fathers and mothers perceive these days.

Gilbert’s study found that families celebrated Father’s Day on average of 3.5 hours or about two hours less than Mother's Day. Fathers’ chances of receiving gifts was much less than that of mothers’ – eight of the 53 fathers got no gifts, compared with just one of the 53 mothers – and those gifts tended to remind him of his work or related to his self-serving hobbies, such as “neckties, card cases”, and “golf and fishing related kits” respectively.

This means the gifts on Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are much more inclined to be stereotypically and traditionally masculine or feminine than the gifts given on their birthdays because these holidays celebrate a man’s role as a father and a woman’s role as a mother, not a man and a woman as an individual. On these two holidays, fathers are more likely to be seen as providers and mothers as nurturers than any other days, even in families with both working parents that support an equal division of domestic labor.

The same thing can be said to the activities. We often take mom out to dinner, help her or release her from household chores for the day, and visit other family members. There tends to be less “eat-out” dinners planned on Fathers Day and less plan to visit family.

Consider the additional comparisons. First, Mother’s Day came first. Second, people exchange 95 million greeting cards on Father’s Day compared with 150 million on Mother’s Day. Third, Father’s Day generates 122 million long-distance calls, compared with 145 million on Mother’s Day.

These numbers may be affected by the fact that there are more moms (82.5 million) than dads (66.3 million). But why is this? It takes two to be a parent. Where did 16.2 million dads go? Did they pass away earlier? Did they walk away from being a father? The latter is a more likely, but that topic is beyond the scope of this article.

Finally fathers often have to pay for the special treatment. More collect calls are placed on Father’s Day than any other days of the year.

Yet, the amazing finding is that dads were more satisfied with their special day than moms. On a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the most satisfied, dads rated their days a 4.6, while moms gave their days a 4.27.

According to Gilbert’s study, mothers’ disappointment was rooted in family-centered issues, such as an inappropriate gift, a fight, a grouchy child and their expectations not being met.
Apparently, the same study suggested a few reasons that might answer these questions and also might explain why dads feel happier:
• For many fathers, spending time with their families is often a change of routine.
• “Being a father” is not usually a man’s first self-identity that has to be celebrated, while many women feel their identity as mothers is the most important one to their lives.
• Fathers/males tend to have fewer expectations and to be lower maintenance.

Gilbert’s study was conducted in 1999, and a lot has changed since then. The number of participants was relatively small and almost no similar studies were conducted to test its reliability. The ideology of gifts, activities and the role as a father and a mother in this study might not apply for today’s ideology anymore.

Today, fathers spend more time with their families than they used to, they receive flowers as gifts, some receive cooking books, and aprons. More fathers value their identity as fathers and are taking paternity leaves. Things are certainly changing. However, the third reason is likely to be true beyond the generation gap. Women tend to be more high maintenance and to expect more than men whenever the age we live in. They plan intensely for their wedding day, they want their anniversaries to be perfect and they even tend to go the extra mile to make their little children’s birthday parties flawless.

Last month we looked at human behavior from a psychoanalytic perspective, specifically about the point that our behavior is controlled by unconscious. This month, I am introducing an evolutionary psychology perspective on what affects human behavior.

The psychoanalytic perspective (Freudian psychology) basically studies humans within one individual’s lifetime while evolutionary psychology, reflecting Darwinian theory of “survival of the fittest”, studies humans over the long evolutionary history with the general consequence of reproductive success.

Evolutionary psychology (sociobiological psychology) sees humans as survival machines whose mind and behavior are controlled by one cardinal purpose of our life, which is to pass on our genes successfully to the next generation.

Best tactic for men to procreate is to spread his genes as much as possible by mating with as many women as possible. Best tactic for women is to carefully choose the one most worthy to accept his genes for procreation.

Each intercourse may cost her nine months of pregnancy, painful delivery, breastfeeding and great physiological and hormonal affect on woman’s body and more.

Man stays prolific almost all his life after puberty with millions of sperms per one ejaculation. Woman only releases one egg per month, which only survives approximately 12 to 24 hours, and its quality starts going down progressively after around the age of 35.

While men can mate with any female and maximize his chances of survival, women are demanding for the best one with the strongest health, intelligence, ability to provide resources and sexual attractiveness (so that her child will have better chances to leave his or her genes).
To achieve our ultimate goal in life successfully, women are genetically pre-programmed to be finicky, high maintenance and to expect more than men. This innate replication model on our genetic level is reflected in the way our minds work and in our behavior as evolutionary psychology states that what has shaped human beings over the long evolutionary history shapes our minds and behavior.

Over the generations, women with finicky preferences experienced greater reproductive success. Women innately know that they have to be hard-to-please and demand the best to survive successfully. This universal and ageless logic/skill goes back to support the third reason suggested by Gilbert’s study on why fathers/males tend to have fewer expectations and to be lower maintenance.

Today, Moms leave home and head for work more than it used to be. More dads are staying home and looking after the children. The familiar gender roles have loosened and it seems likely that the gap will keep shrinking.

One idea may be to combine these holidays into “Parenthood Day.” It may help fathers and mothers feel more united as parents and celebrate each other. Further, single parent, gay and lesbian households could possibly fit in easier. Companies aiming for profits such as card companies and phone companies are likely to detest the idea. There are many ways to look at it.

Lastly, I want to say to my dad, “Dad, I love you.” Every single little thing you have done for me, I remember. You have always made infinite and incredible sacrifices for me and you have always acted as if it was nothing. No matter how difficult they were to make, you have always given me your smile that said “Do not worry.” When I was absolutely heartbroken, you have always put the crown back to my head. You were the first to trust me enough to let me come to New York to study abroad at such a young age. I will not let you down. Thank you for being my dad and I love you with all my heart.